Monthly Archives: April 2017
We all have this idea as children that when we get to a certain age we will have everything that we need to be an adult. Well on the 1st of April 2017 I reached 40 and the six months running up to it, I had a panic meltdown about the whole reaching 40 thing. It wasn’t about the age as such, it was more about that I had was fast approaching an age where I should be more adult and more grown-up and all I was feeling was out of my depth and like I was wading in mud. It didn’t help that for the past two years my job in a public library was in major restructure and public consultation. The Local Government had to save money and Libraries was the easy victim. The uncertainty and reality had brought to light just how insecure my career choice was and the greater need to find out where to go next. That created anxiety.
When I was a child right up until I met my daughter’s father, I wanted to work in movies or TV. An actress for starters and then producing and directing. My choices after returning home from living in London meant that I was soon living a family life with a young child and a fiancé. My twenties were spent trying to juggle motherhood and full time work as well as being a partner. Admittedly not all these I did well, but then when I reached my 30’s my life changed beyond recognition. I was suddenly a single parent, but I was on my way to getting the life I wanted. Being part of a relationship from a young age had caused me to lose myself and so much of my 30’s was about self discovery. I went to university and discovered that I was actually not that stupid and I had the ability to do anything. Then I published my first book and continued to write.
The loss of both parents became one of my toughest battles to deal with. The year my father died in 2013, I had rather stupidly got myself involved in an online friendship that became too involved too quickly and of course, as so often happens, any online connection is not a true one and I got hurt. So this on top of grief caused a massive meltdown that was dangerously close to destroying me mentally and emotionally. I’m no stranger to depression and anxiety having suffered since my teens, however, 2013-2014 was nothing that I’d dealt with before. But luckily for me I had a lot of support and my own inner fighter was determined never to let it beat it and I did.
All great but then as the forties approached I began to look at my life in comparison to everyone else. On Facebook all my old school friends seemed to have got all their shit together and I was still playing around and deciding what I was doing. I know Facebook is a lie and we all put our Facebook Front on, but still I was doubting myself. I’d not got married, I had one child who was beautiful and talented, but not had the big family. All the things society says you should do.
Then the day arrived and it wasn’t too bad and I realised that this is my life journey no one elses and so what if I don’t have my shit together I can happily go to my deathbed and say I had a blast at getting to the point of getting my shit together.
So my message to all is it doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. It’s your life and do what you live and laugh often.