God and I
Today I had a lengthy discussion with someone about my relationship with God or lack of it. When I was a child, I believed blindly in God, Heaven and the devil. It was an unquestionable belief. However, that belief was tested after a childhood trauma and at ten years old I stopped believing. For some, it may seem not really important, but for me it felt like I’d been let done by a parent and the space left was empty.
In the home, I was brought up to find my own path. My dad had been a Mormon, my mum CofE and my brothers and I were christened as of CofE. But we had always been taught to believe as we wished and we did and still do. Later in my life, I turned to paganism and that started to fill the void. For some reason finding some spirituality was in important for me in whatever form.
However when it come to the ‘Christian God’ there’s always a battle of wills. It sometimes feels like the obnoxious child and the stubborn parent. I have a strong interest in the mythology of Old and New Testament and those who have read my books will see that. There are undercurrents of my battle with god running through my creative works, which has led to many to say I have God Complex.
So why does it matter? Why not just believe in something else or nothing? The answer is simple, there’s still a desire to find that magic and completion I felt as a child. Having that blind faith and love for something that is unseen. And the fact that I can never leave it alone, like a crusty scab, could mean I seek approval from this unseen and possible non existent parent figure.I have done the church thing. Sat there and tried really hard to listen and accept, but I resist it. It is literally like sitting there as a sulky child getting the lecture off an elder. You sit there, swing your legs in an irritated fashion. Arms crossed the chest. Nodding, but not really listening to anything being said. Yet, if they ignored you, then panic sets in and the tears start.
One friend made a good point to me, which probably prompted this post. My Higher Trilogy came about while sat in an Good Friday service. Nun’s tend to talk to me and I gain comfort from being inside these old buildings. So God is calling to me.
My counter point is that maybe the case, but it’s the people inside the churches and preach that pisses me off. I get annoyed at their interpretation as well as some of the clique way they are. I enjoy the stories in the Bible, but I love picking it apart too like a literary novel that is being studied. So maybe on that thought, my problem isn’t really with any god, but the men who write and preach for it/them/him.
I will say this, I am thankful to whoever inspires me to write what I do and I am grateful, but I’ve yet to find that magic that I had as a child and no doubt my battle with god will continue until I reach the pearly gates.